How to annoy your friends, family or coworkers.

Just a few guidelines.  Some of which have been around awhile and some that are my own brainchildren.

 

• Make a daily announcement of the "Word of the Day."  UrbanDictionary.com is a good resource for material.  The word of the day is "snarkoleptic."
• Insist that they call you by your wrestling or pimp name. "That's Reverend Dr. C Ice, to you."
• Answer questions with questions.  If someone says, "What if...." you say "If your sister had a penis would she still be your sister??"
• Have a countdown to a commonplace event and announce status frequently and enthusiastically.  "Two hours 'til lunch!!!"  "Thirty minutes 'til lunch!!!'
• Reply to simple questions with complex answers.  To, "What would you like for lunch?" reply "I don't know.  Let me look into that.  A lot of issues come into play."
• Announce your support of your friend/family member/coworker's presidential candidate of choice.  Then list the numerous reasons you support him-- all of which are the contrasting attributes of the opposing candidate.
• Make known your plans to make a fort over the weekend.  Ask for volunteers to assist.
• Ask for signatures on your petition for a reunion of  J Geils Band.  (Actually, this is just a good idea.  I loved these guys).
• Correct everyone's grammar.... incorrectly.  "It's not 'she does,' it's she DO."
• Enthusiastically pass out copies of your fruitcake recipe.
• Hum.  Constantly.

How to be fabulous on a low budget.

• Marry a Marine. You'll get tons of mileage out of the Full Metal Jacket questions. You and your entire family are mythical creatures.
• Insist that everyone call you by your wrestling name. Correct them when they fail to do so.
• Employ the "bend and snap" as often as possible.
• Say "sir" and "m'am." All the time. Even when you're a grown up. This throws most people off their game.
• If you feel uncomfortable in an elevator on the sidewalk with a stranger (particularly a male), look him dead in the eye and say "Don't I know your mama?"
• Live in a neighborhood full of minivans and drive a BMW sedan. Try not to flex your handling power, though... no one likes a showoff.
• Buy when everyone else is selling... and sell when everyone else is buying.
• Send your friends cards in the mail (the actual mail) randomly. For no reason.
• Do something genuinely good for someone else that won't benefit you at all. Your intrigue rating will soar.
• Never forget how to do the Running Man. If you have to practice weekly, do it.
• Talk to retired service members. In most cases they are way cooler than you are. And you can be fab by association.
• Know what you don't know. People like to be asked genuine questions. It's engaging.
• Challenge yourself to learn something new and difficult. It's humbling.... and even humility makes you more enticing.
• Be nice to customer service people on the telephone. No one does that, so you'll achieve individuality right off the bat (and might just get what you want in the process).
• Dare to be ghetto sometimes.
• Hang out with people who are smarter than you.
• Know who your REAL friends are. The rest don't matter and will drain your fab status in no time.

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