How Not To Be A Triflin' Hooker at the USMC Birthday Ball

1. Remember that while your Marine is happy to have you on his arm, this function is about the Marines.  It's their birthday.  Happy birthday to THEM. 
2. Try to keep your pre-flight to a minimum, if any, so that at best you will arrive smelling like perfume and at worst you won't smell like Jager bombs.
3. Try to follow the intended dress code.  Google it if necessary.
4. Remember that the laws about indecent exposure apply, even within the closed doors of your ball's venue. 
5. Attempt to wear shoes you can walk in.  There are any number of things which can require you to need them.
6. No corsages.  Refer to number 1 above.
7. Try not to be too judgmental of other ladies.  Some of us don't spend hundreds of dollars on our hair and nails.  We just may not care as much about the packaging.  But we're people, too.
8. Smile from time to time and say Hi to people.  They won't bite and they usually like it.
9. Do not attempt to teach your Marine (or his friends) the correct way to do the Electric Slide.  That ship has sailed.
10. If you are horrified by the tasteless dresses, shoes or accessories of other guests, attempt to refrain from commenting until you have left the function.  It will be both more polite and more fun.
11. Dresses with hoop skirts =  Fail.
12. Forego profanity during the dinner portion of the meal. 
13. Do not talk, whisper, cough, gag or chair dance during the ceremonial portions of the event. 
14. If the fit of your dress prohibits a dance move, you probably shouldn't attempt it.
15. No, the women Marines at the function are not jealous of your dress.  Refer to the latter portion of number 1 above.
16. It's likely you'll do some touching up of your makeup in the bathroom and this is perfectly acceptable.  Try, however, not to hold up the line for those who actually have to pee.  Their bladder issues trump your eyeliner dilemma from a humanitarian standpoint.
17. If you're going to spill your drink on someone, aim for a civilian. 
18. Don't be scared of the CO or his wife, but try to wait until your mouth isn't full before speaking to them.
19. No dancing on the bar until the after party.
20. Behave but don't take yourself too seriously.  Not one person is going to remember your dress, your shoes or your hairdo.  And if they do, you're doing it wrong.